It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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