How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
