I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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