Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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