Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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