i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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