You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
