hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
where are you?
Hypothermia
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
