i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
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