I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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