if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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