Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
