My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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