I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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