I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Randomize
