I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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