How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
