i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
