at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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