i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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