If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
