Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
