you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
