i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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