Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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