if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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