Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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