I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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