We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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