The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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