Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
