I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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