Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Are my feet made of real feet?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
