just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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