Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
