Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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