fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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