I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I cut my penus on the lid.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
True college students do jello shots in the library
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