I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
