So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This gyro tastes like lonliness
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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