...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
