I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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