I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
