theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
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