I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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