The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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