you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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