and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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