I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
