just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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