my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
