You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
