My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
